A Visit to the Heart of Otaku
I've always enjoyed folding up my blog, because it allows me to fully indulge in virtual light and shadow. Today, I moved my written blog posts to the Blog section, so I no longer have to worry about RSS issues. To distinguish them from technical articles, I named this series “Otaku Visit”—on one hand, public articles are like inviting others to your home as guests, letting people know your values and observe your life; on the other hand, as an Otaku, I believe a large part of my blog's audience are also Otaku, so it's a double entendre (laugh).
Compared to the OST of "Your Name", the OST of "Weathering With You" didn't impress me as much, so I only liked a few songs including "Fireworks Festival". I honestly have no impression of this song—where it appeared, how its melody changed, I can't recall at all. I don't even remember much about the movie itself; time flies, and it's already been five years since it premiered in China. But five years ago, I shared "Grand Escape" in my Chinese class, listening to "Fireworks Festival" on my MP3, carefree and unburdened, which brings back some nostalgia.
This is yet another article of pointless rambling. People always need some place to vent during times of low mood, and these outpourings, to outsiders and my future self, are obviously pointless ramblings. But fortunately or unfortunately, my blog is the only tree hollow I can use to vent.
The subway doors open with a piercing beep, light piano notes drift from the platform, cheerful strings pull me out of the gloomy carriage. The damp day is led away by this lively music, and my steps follow these melodies. At just the right moment, a gentle piano piece plays as I step out of the station, which resonates with my inner melancholy, and besides being briefly amazed by its album, it also slightly pulls me out of the "the more you think, the worse it gets" spiral.
As for my own low moods, I have plenty of thoughts. I flip through my old code, only to find that my coding skills haven't improved much in the past two or three years (maybe even regressed after Cursor/GPT/Copilot); things I spend days understanding, others grasp instantly and even offer more elegant solutions; and compared to others, I really lack self-drive in so-called "interest" areas. Add to that the early sleep schedule for grad school and friend group, which destroyed my routine, it's no wonder I feel this way—I even lose interest in talking sometimes, probably a bit mildly depressed. At least I haven't completely lost the desire to express myself.
Actually, I already read Not Very Smart Person by Hecaitou two days ago, so I was prepared for these emotions, but that's what makes it more frustrating: you know the reason, but you still can't pull yourself out of it. I happened to think of the phrase "Awake Drunk" while rehearsing in my mind. I don't know if it's appropriate, but I've always been a bit of a "rule breaker"—whether it's attracting attention for praise or for criticism, I'm always in the spotlight. I could always break the rules in classmates' eyes: bringing my phone, not doing homework, pretending to be sick, whatever, and I did it often. But this was always based on one premise: I finished what I was supposed to do early and did it well, and those restrictions were for ordinary people, so I didn't want to follow them. However, this premise has become harder and harder to achieve after entering university, especially as time goes on—self-reflection shows I'm quickly losing the trait of "fearlessness in the face of difficulty," and I seem powerless to stop it. With layers of upward pressure, people around me get better and better, and this "misfit" slowly becomes foolishness.
And I seem powerless to stop it.
Making plans is clearly not hard: I say I should finish this course this month, so I want to spend an hour a day on it; I say I should learn this programming language, so I want to use it for a project; I say I should get up early; I say I should record my life daily. But I haven't followed through on a plan for a long time, because I gradually realized that even if I don't finish these self-made plans, there's no punishment. I still think I like doing these things, but I have no self-drive to do them—when faced with many choices, I'd rather do nothing at all. Maybe my brain has lost the ability to do difficult things.
I probably should finish reading "Thinking, Fast and Slow" and see how to fix my System 2.
I was going to write a positive ending, but thinking of the title, I decided to end here.
This Content is generated by LLM and might be wrong / incomplete, refer to Chinese version if you find something wrong.